Worship Sunday at 10:30

Bethany Evangelical
Lutheran Church

Ishpeming, Michigan † Est. 1870

 
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Pentecost - Holy Humor Sunday 06/18/2017

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man, so the father invited him into his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I’m studying theology", he replied.

"Theology... Hmmm", the father said. "That’s admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, such as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study", the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies", the young man replied, " and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the young man.

The conversation went on like this; each time the father asked a question, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later that evening, the mother asked: "How did it go, Honey?"

And the father answered: "He has no job and no plans and, I don’t know if this good news or bad news, but I think he believes I'm God."


Once there was a little boy who lived in the country, so far out that there was no indoor plumbing, they had to use an outhouse.  The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and smelled bad all the time. The outhouse sat on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and running high so the little boy decided today was the day. So he got a large stick and pushed. He pushed and pushed until finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night after supper his dad told him they were going to the woodshed. The boy knew that meant a spanking so he asked why...

His dad replied: "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy decided to tell the truth and answered: "Yes! I did it.  I pushed the outhouse into the creek." Then he thought a moment and said: "You know Dad, I read in school today that when George Washington chopped down a cherry tree he didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied: "Well, son, I’m pretty sure George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"


Adam and Eve #1; Adam was walking sad and lonely

in the garden, when the Lord appeared and walked with

him. The Lord said;"Adam, you need a woman!"

Adam replied 'What's a woman?' The Lord replied "A

woman shall have a beautiful figure forever, cook and be a faithful servant, never disagree with you, cater to your every whim and desire and be perfect in all ways" Adam asked "What will that cost me?' The Lord said " An

arm and a leg" Adam asked "What do you think I could get for a rib?"


Adam and Eve#2 Eve was walking sad and lonely thru

the garden when the Lord appeared walking beside her.

The Lord said "Eve, you need a man!" Eve asked

"What is a man?" The Lord answered "A man is big,

strong, and brave, will defend you and bring much game

for you to eat.  However he’ll also have a tremendous ego,

he’ll think he’s better than you, sometimes even better than me and, unfortunately, for him to keep providing for you you’ve got to let him keep thinking that. Eve asked "How am I supposed to do that?' The Lord  replied " For a start, you convince him he was made before you!"


Jesus and Satan had been arguing for days over their skills, but the last debate was over computer proficiency. Finally, God tired of it and told them, "Enough! I will have a computer skills contest. You both will have two hours to show your talents!"

As the contest started, both Jesus and Satan hunched over their desks and got to work. They did spreadsheets; they did word processing; they did faxes; they did e-mail; they got on the internet. It was pretty heavy.

There were only a few minutues left, when suddenly, a thunderstorm arose, with lightning and hail. The lights flickered, and the power went out. Satan was furious. He ranted, he raved, he threatened. He went back and forth. Jesus just sat there. After a couple of minutes, the power was back. Satan went to his computer, but there was nothing there. Jesus on the other hand, calmly re-booted, logged in, and began printing document after document.

Satan said, “Wait!  How can he do that? I lost everything when the power went out!  How come Jesus' work is still there?"  God looked at him, smiled, and said, "Because Jesus saves."


These two guys were walking down the fairway of the golf course when a funeral procession went by.  One of them was just about to play his 3-iron shot, but all of a sudden, noticing what was happening, he stopped, took off his hat and bowed his head while the procession went by.  Once it had passed he put his hat back on and continued to line up his shot.  The second guy said, "I didn’t know you were such a sensitive person.  I saw how you noticed that funeral and paid your respects."  The first guy said, "Well, it was the least I could do; after all, we would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

So----a man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat and, just to be sure, he asked his next door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. "No problem" said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going. "Well," the neighbor said, "your cat died." "Geez", the guy said. "You have to come right out and tell me like that? couldn't you have a little more consideration? I'm on vacation. Couldn't you have broken it to me a little more gently. Like you could have first told me that the cat was on the roof, then that the cat fell off the roof, then maybe the next day you could have told me you had taken the cat to the vet but he wasn’t doing very well, but not BOOM all at once, He’s dead!  You could have showed a little compassion.   By the way, how's my Mom doing?" Well, said the neighbor after a short pause, she's up on the roof..."

A mother took her little boy to church.  In the middle of the service the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, Mom was sick so it was just the little boy and his father in church and during the service he leaned over and said, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."


Jesus took an atheist out fishing one day and the atheist accidentally dropped an oar and watched as it floated away. Jesus stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it, and walked back to the boat and handed it to the atheist. The next day, a friend asked the atheist if he had enjoyed fishing with the Lord. "It was okay,” he said, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea.  The grandmother, horrified, fell to her knees, and said, "God, please, return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him safely back."   Lo and behold, another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet.  She picked him up and looked him over, and then she looked up at the sky and said, "He was wearing a hat!"


Sister Mary, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. She walked to the nearest gas station to borrow a gas can and to buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out. So the nun walked back to her car to see if she had anything she could substitute for a gas can and she saw a bedpan on the back seat.

Being resourceful, she carried the bedpan back to the station, filled it with gas, then carefully carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas from the bedpan into her tank, two Baptist deacons were standing on the sidewalk just outside their church across the road. One turned to the other and said, “If that car starts, I’m turning Catholic!”


THE SAVIOR OF THE PEOPLE

A third grade teacher named Miss Thompson wanted to teach her class an important lesson so she offered $10 to anyone who could tell her who is the savior of all the people.

A little Muslim boy answered, Allah.

Sorry, Mohammed. Miss Thompson replied. That’s not the right answer.

A little Chinese boy hollered, Buddha!

No, Shing, That’s not the right answer either.

A little East Indian girl raised her hand and said, I know. Its Krishna.

No, Indira. That’s not the correct answer.

Then a young Jewish boy stated, Its Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

The teacher was amazed. Yes, Samuel. That’s correct. But I have to say I’m a bit surprised that you knew the right answer.

Samuel replied, "Actually, Miss Thompson, I know the right answer is really Moses, but business is business. Give me the ten dollars."


An engineer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checked his list and not seeing the engineer’s name there, he sent him to Hell. It didn’t take long before the engineer became rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell so he began to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell had air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day, God called Satan and said: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replied: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators now and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he never should have been sent to Hell. Send him to me right away."

"Not a chance," Satan replied: "I like having an engineer on the staff.  I'm keeping him!"

Getting angry God said: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan started to laugh hysterically and said: "Yeah, right. Where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”


An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "You know, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."


After the baptism of his baby brother in church,

little Billy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him several times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

“The pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”


Two brothers were terrible trouble makers. They were always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. Their parents tried everything to get the boys to change, but to no avail. Finally, out of options, they asked their pastor if he could help. He said he would talk to the boys, but only one at a time. So one afternoon the parents dropped off the youngest boy and went home, promising to return to get him in an hour or so. The boy sat in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just stared at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, “Where is God?”

The boy just sat there and didn’t answer.

The pastor began to look stern and loudly asked, “Where is God?”

The little boy shifted in his seat, but still didn’t answer.

The pastor was starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse so he pounded the desk and shouted “Where is God?”

To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumped up out of his chair and ran out of the office out of

 the church, all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shut the door and said breathlessly, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!”


**A doctor dies and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the gate, and being a doctor, he butts in at the head of the line, saying, "I'm a doctor."

St. Peter says, "That doesn't fly up here. You'll just have to wait your turn like everybody else."

So the doctor goes to the end of the line, which is much longer now. Just then a guy walks up to the front of the line, says, "I'm a doctor," and goes right in.

This infuriated the doctor who had been rejected so went up and gave St. Peter a piece of his mind. St. Peter replied, "Oh, you don't understand. That was God. He just thinks he's a doctor."


A man who reeked of alcohol sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He picked up a newspaper from an adjacent seat and began reading.  After a few minutes he leaned over to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”  “Arthritis,” the priest said, “I’ll tell you what causes arthritis. It’s caused by loose living, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”  “Well I’ll be,” the guy muttered and went back to reading.  The priest though, thought maybe he had overreacted and after a few minutes he said, “I’m sorry.  I think I came on a little too strong there.  Just how long have you had arthritis?”  The man said, “Me?  I don’t have arthritis.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.”


For his children’s sermon one Sunday, wanting to teach the kids about good clean living, the pastor came up with a clever object lesson.  He took four worms, put one into a container of alcohol, one into a container of cigarette smoke, one into a container of chocolate syrup and one into a container of good clean soil.  Then he said, “At the end of the service we’ll check on the worms and see how they’re doing.”  Before the closing hymn he called the kids up again.  The first worm in alcohol—dead.  The second worm in cigarette smoke—dead.  The third worm in chocolate syrup—dead.  The fourth worm in good clean soil—alive and well.  So he said to the kids, “What do you think we can learn from this?”  They were quiet until Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know; as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you won’t get worms.”

Rev. Warren Geier

 
 

Bethany Lutheran Church
715 Mather Avenue
Ishpeming, MI 49849

Phone: 906-486-4351
Fax: 906-486-9640
contact@bethanyishpeming.org

Rev. Warren Geier, Pastor
pastor@bethanyishpeming.org

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“Whoever
welcomes
one such child in my name
welcomes me, and whoever
welcomes me welcomes
not me
but the
one who
sent me.”
 
 

 

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