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Bethany Evangelical
Lutheran Church

Ishpeming, Michigan † Est. 1870

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Easter - Holy Humor 04/28/2013

Holy Humor Sunday is not on any official liturgical calendar that I know of, but there is some basis for it especially during the Easter season.  Easter is sometimes referred to as God’s joke on Satan and in the church we take seven weeks to celebrate that joke.  With that in mind, I don’t think it’s bad to take one Sunday and let our guard down a little bit and just have some fun.  As we celebrate the new life and hope of Jesus’ resurrection sometimes a laugh or a smile is a way to make us aware of new life and hope in our own lives, aware of our own resurrection moments.  Plus, if we’re created in God’s image, God must have a sense of humor, and if he doesn’t, a lot of us are in trouble anyway, so here goes.

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting at the table talking when the little girl asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?”  “Yes,” he said, “God made me.”  A few minutes later she asked, “Did God make me too?”  “He certainly did,” Grandpa said.  The little girl sat for a couple of minutes and seemed to be studying her grandpa as well as looking at her own reflection in a small mirror she was playing with.  Her grandfather wondered what she was thinking about when finally she said, “You know Grandpa, God is doing a much better job lately.”

There’s lots of pearly gates jokes--

A guy arrives at the pearly gates waiting to be admitted but come to find out, St. Peter can’t find his name in the big book.  “Sorry,” St. Peter says, “I can’t find your name anywhere.”  “Are you sure your copy is up to date?” the man asks.  “I get a new download every ten minutes,” Peter says.  “Well that might explain it,” the guy says. “I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I was one of those skeptics that didn’t really believe in God so it wasn’t until my death was immanent that I cried out to him.  So maybe my name hasn’t arrived yet.”

“We’ll give it a few minutes,” St. Peter said, “but in the meantime why don’t you tell me about a really good deed you performed during your life.”  After a short pause the man says, “I was driving down the road one day when I saw this biker gang.  I slowed down and saw that in the middle of them there was this young girl and they were harassing her and pushing her around at just having their way with her.  So I jumped out of my car, got the tire iron out of my trunk and walked up to the guy that seemed to be the leader.  He was huge, about 6-4, close to 300 pounds, muscles everywhere, leather jacket and big chain around his neck.  I ripped that chain off of him and knocked him over the head with the tire iron.  Then I turned and looked at the rest of them and said.  You’re a bunch of animals.  Get out of here and leave this girl alone before I do to you what I just did to him.  I’ll give you a lesson in pain that you won’t forget.”

Duly impressed St. Peter said, “Wow, when did this happen?”

The guy says,“I don’t know, maybe three minutes ago.”

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  Her heart stopped beating and she had one of those near death experiences.  She had a vision of God and asked, “Is this it?  Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you’re going to recover and live for another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days.”  She did recover and knowing she still had so many years left she decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair from gray to blonde.”

When she was released from the hospital though, as she crossed the street she was killed by a passing car.  Once again she was before God, this time a little angry.  “I thought you said I had 40 some years left to live,” she said. “How could you do this to me?”  God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

There was a couple on their way to a justice of the peace to get married when they too were killed by a passing car as they crossed the street.  So there they are outside the pearly gates waiting to be processed and they start to wonder if they could get married in heaven.  They get to the head of the line and ask St. Peter who says, “Well I’ll have to check.  No one has ever made this request before.” So he leaves.

A couple of months went by and he still hadn’t come back and in the meantime the couple started to have second thoughts.  What if things didn’t work out between them?  After all, this would be for eternity.  It was still about another month before St. Peter came back looking tired and bedraggled and he says, “Yes, you can get married.”  At which point the couple says, “That’s good, but eternity’s a long time; if it doesn’t work out, can we get divorced?”

St. Peter was livid.  He slammed his clipboard to the ground and said, “What’s wrong with you people?  It took me three months to find a clergy person up here.  How long do you think it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”

There was a pastor whose congregation couldn’t pay him very much so he delivered papers on the side, filling the boxes you find outside the Post Office and on street corners.  One of his was in front of the neighborhood tavern and as he was putting his papers in he glanced in the window and noticed one guy at a table, by himself, passed out.  He went inside and asked the bartender if the guy was OK.  The bartender said, “Oh, that’s Mr. Murphy.  This happens sometimes,” he said.  “Maybe you could drive him home Reverend.”  He agreed, it was the Christian thing to do after all and so the bartender gave him Mr. Murphy’s address.  The pastor tried to wake up Mr. Murphy but he was pretty drunk.  He tried to get him to his feet he just crashed to the floor in a heap.  “Good Lord,” the pastor said, “I’ve never seen anyone so drunk.” 

With great struggle he finally got Mr. Murphy into his car, pretty much dragging him as he kept falling down.  He got him strapped into the passenger seat though and drove him home but then had the same problem getting him to the front door of the house.  Dragging him he finally got him to the door and pretty much dropped him again. He knocked on the door.  Mrs. Murphy answered the door and the pastor said, “Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.”  “Oh, that was very nice of you,” she said as she looked around, “but what did you do with his wheelchair?”

Three pastors met privately to share their major weaknesses and to pray for one another.  The first pastor confessed that he had a serious problem with women and often found himself in compromising situations including with some members of his church.  The second pastor, encouraged by this honesty admitted that he had financial problems and had stolen money from the church to help pay his bills.

The third pastor then said, “My weakness is gossip, and I can hardly wait to get out of here!”

An Amish family was visiting a mall.  The father and son were just walking around, kind of amazed by everything they saw, but what really got their attention were two shiny silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, “What is this Father?”  His father said, “Son, I’ve never seen anything like this.  I don’t know what it is.”

They watched as a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled herself into the small room on the other side and the walls closed again.  The father and son watched as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially and they kept watching as they lit up again in the reverse order.  Then the walls opened and a gorgeous 24 year old woman stepped out of the small room, she could have been a super model. 

The father, without taking his eyes off the woman put his hand on his son’s shoulder and said, “Go get your mother.”

A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children as they were drawing pictures.  She got to one girl who was working very diligently and asked her what she was drawing.  The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”  The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”  Without looking up, the little girl said, “They will in a minute.”

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had something of a reputation for nagging her husband.  As the pall bearers were carrying the casket out of the church one of them stumbled a little bit so the casket bumped against the wall at which point they thought they heard a faint moan that sounded like it came from inside the casket.  They opened it up and found that the woman was actually alive and she wound up living for another ten years. Another funeral service was held at the same church.  At the end of the service, as the pall bearers were walking out with the casket they heard the voice of the woman’s husband call out, “Watch out for the wall.”

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  The dog got old and died so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead.  Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature.?  Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have funeral services for an animal.  But,” he said, “There are some Lutherans up the hill and there’s no knowin’ what they believe.  Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the dog.”

Muldoon said, “Thank you Father.  I’ll go right away.  By the way do ye think $5000 is enough to donate to the Lutherans for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why did ye not tell me the dog was Catholic?” 

A man who reeked of alcohol sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He picked up a newspaper from an adjacent seat and began reading.  After a few minutes he leaned over to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”  “Arthritis,” the priest said, “I’ll tell you what causes arthritis. It’s caused by loose living, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”  “Well I’ll be,” the guy muttered and went back to reading.  The priest though, thought maybe he had overreacted and after a few minutes he said, “I’m sorry.  I think I came on a little too strong there.  Just how long have you had arthritis?”  The man said, “Me?  I don’t have arthritis.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Father O’Malley answers the phone.  Hello, is this Father O’Malley?
It is.
This is the IRS.  Can you help us?
I’ll try.
Do you know a Ted Houlihan?
I do.
Is he a member of your congregation?
He is.
Did he donate $10,000 to the church?
He will.

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking into drawers trying to find valuables and when he found a diamond necklace he started to place it in his sack when he heard a strange, somewhat disembodied voice come out of the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”  He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned his flashlight off and froze.  When he heard nothing more, he shook his head figuring he must be going crazy, turned his light back on looking for more valuables.  When he found a nice gold watch he started to put it in his bag and again, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”  He shined his light all around the room and finally noticed in the corner of the room a cage with a parrot inside.  “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.  The parrot said, “I’m just trying to warn you.”  “Warn me huh?  Who do you think you are?”  “Moses,” replied the bird.  “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”  The parrot said, “The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

There was a story in National Geographic a few years ago.  It was after a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park.  Several park rangers were hiking up a mountain to assess the damage the fire had done when one of them noticed what looked like a bird petrified in ashes perched with its wings spread like a little statue at the base of a tree. The ranger poked at it with a stick and as he did so three baby birds scurried out.

As best as they could figure, the mother bird, aware of impending disaster had carried her chicks down to the base of the tree instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke from the fire would rise.  On the ground she gathered them and spread her wings over them.  She could have flown away to safety and saved herself but she stayed with her babies.  The fire never quite reached the tree, but the heat was enough that it scorched the mother’s little body and killed her.  But because she was willing to die, those under the cover of her wings were able to live.

The story of Easter is a story of God’s love that enables us to live.  It comes at a cost but because of that love, we can live and we can laugh, and I think God’s OK with that.

Rev. Warren Geier


Bethany Lutheran Church
715 Mather Avenue
Ishpeming, MI 49849

Phone: 906-486-4351
Fax: 906-486-9640

Rev. Warren Geier, Pastor

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